cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
