Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
