Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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