I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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