Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
