grandma shit on top of the toilet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
