Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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