Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
