i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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