I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
