So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
