Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
