The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
