Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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