Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
