He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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