my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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