I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
