So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
