Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
