Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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