I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
