hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
