As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
