did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
