I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
