I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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