I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
