i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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