I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So vagazzling was a success
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
