shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
