I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
