Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
