The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
