im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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