There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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