If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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