everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
