I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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