just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
