I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
