My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
FUCK WHALES
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
