someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My dick has a subreddit
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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