i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
