Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
