Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
