ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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