Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
