I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
