nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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