I'm drive I can fine osifer
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
