I wish I could teleport
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
